A Girl and Her Daddy

What is it about the father/daughter relationship?

Daddy can get her to giggle and laugh in the middle of a whining fit.  He pretends to be a puppy, a dinosaur, a horse, or any other thing that her little mind imagines.  He's big and warm, protective, caring, and the most important guy in Ava's life right now - just as it should be.

As time ticks by and we wonder if this baby is going to be a boy or another girl, I am finding myself pausing frequently to take in the sight of Ava and Daddy playing.  It's not going to be "just the two of them" for much longer...but Ava will always be the first born, the first (maybe only?) daughter, and there is definitely something special about that. 

Tales From Bed Rest

I have been trying for days now to write this post.  I've typed, deleted...repeat.  I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much.  Part of it is my need to justify why it's been so long since I have blogged.  I completely missed three major holidays and feel a twinge of guilt over not "recording" those memories in a place where I'll have them forever.  I have excuses out the wazoo: I was super busy with my photography business, I didn't MAKE the time, the thought of editing personal photos while I was already editing so many clients' photos seemed overwhelming, I'm pregnant (best excuse for anything!), it's not how I wanted to spend my free time...etc.

The truth is that if I had truly wanted to write down those memories of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas...I would have found the time.  Clearly, I didn't.  And I'm not lying when I say that I was overwhelmed with a lot of other things on my plate.  Blogging fell by the wayside.

But I'm back!

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and on "bed rest."  It's not total bed rest, more like "put your feet up as much as possible; only get up to shower, use the bathroom, and fix yourself meals.  Only leave the house if you feel you're going to explode and your mental health is suffering...or for doctor's visits."  I thankfully am not confined to the bed for the majority of the day - my only "bed" visits are for naps.  :)

Why bed rest?  I started having contractions almost four weeks ago.  At first it only happened here and there.  I'd have maybe two occasions during the week where I could time them, always at night.  Then they started happening randomly during the day as well.  My doctor took me off work right before we were due to go back after winter break, but I was just told to "take it easy."  I thought...this is going to be great!  I can tackle my to-do list, make yummy dinners, and just spend the next few weeks RELAXING before the baby comes.

Cue Sunday morning, 2am.  I'm awakened by severe cramping so bad that I curl up in the fetal position and clutch the sheets.  I felt almost nauseous because of the pain.  It didn't subside after about a half hour, so I finally woke Jeremy up and we decided to go to the hospital.  I'd actually made a tiny bit of progress since my OB appointment just five days ago; at that time, I was still closed up, but now they were telling me I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  I was given a shot of Terbutaline to stop the contractions.  It slowed them down significantly and after two hours of monitoring, I was sent home.  I saw my OB the next day and got my official orders for "bed rest." 

So, here I am, in the midst of all kinds of paperwork for maternity leave, benefits, short-term disability, FMLA, insurance, worries worries worries.  I know we'll make it work financially.  We have to!  We've already started cutting back on a few luxury items (bye-bye, once-a-month cleaning lady...sniff...I will MISS YOU).  And I know I can start back up with photography stuff as soon as I feel up to it after giving birth, which will provide a little extra here and there.  I'm actually VERY anxious to schedule photo shoots and I HATE that I can't do any sessions right now! 

Despite all of this, there are some bright sides to being on bed rest:

*I have a REASON to be lazy.  And I don't have to feel guilty about it!
*It's a great time to catch up on my DVR shows or watch movies or read magazines or books...
*Can't leave the house?  No need for make-up, a bra, styling my hair, nice clothes...hello sweatpants, t-shirts, and ponytails!  Ultimate comfort every day.
*I don't have to go to work.  No lesson planning, no grading, no discipline issues to deal with from students, no meetings, no 5:30am wake-ups, no exposure to illnesses...um, these are probably the BEST things about bed rest.  :)
*Awesome friends who offer to help, who bring dinners over, who stop by to chat and hang out so that I can get some social interaction...I've been thinking lately you quickly find out who your "true" friends are in a time of "need."  And it makes me think maybe I haven't always been the greatest friend when others have needed it.  Note to self: wear someone else's shoes, so to speak, and figure out how to make friends' lives better.
*A husband who has stepped up to the plate, dropping off and picking up Ava from day care, coming home after a long day of work and making dinner, doing the dishes, giving Ava a bath, running errands for me, cleaning up the house, etc.  In sickness and in health, right?  I married a good one!  :)

And finally, since I am being forced to take it easy and rest, I have more time to focus on Ava.  More time for tea parties, coloring, reading books, being silly together...and more time to take pictures of her. 

All with my feet up, of course. 

Things You Probably Like That I...Don't...Like

For some reason, I've had this list in my head for quite a while.  I feel that I'm a pretty average person, but when I compare things that the majority of people like to myself...well, there's quite a bit of difference.  No matter how popular or how big a part of our culture these items are, I just can't get excited about them. 

Let's get to the list, shall we?

1. Dave Matthew's Band

I honestly do not get the following for this band.  I have never been to a concert, so I suppose I can't comment much about that particular experience, but it just blows my mind that people spend money to go to every show when he's in town.  It's...a guy...who sings...with a band...and instruments.  Nothing spectacular in my mind.  If I hear a Dave song on the radio, I usually change it.  Sorry, diehard fans.  I just do not get the popularity of DMB.

2. Adele

While we're on the topic of music, I also don't get the sudden large following for Adele.  I immediately change the station if I hear one of her songs on the radio.  Too slow, too depressing...her voice just doesn't do it for me.  Give me some Mariah Carey over Adele any day.  (Can't wait to get slammed for this one...ha!)

3. Pumpkin Spice Lattes

I love Starbucks...but I usually stick to my tried-and-true favorite, the mocha.  Every fall when they bring back the pumpkin spice latte, I get one, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will taste good this time.  Nope.  The initial taste is actually fine, but after swallowing, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth.  I guess it's the pumpkin spice syrup they use.  I just can't get past that aftertaste!  Blech.

4. Apple Pie

A classic American favorite that is nowhere near my list of faves.  I will eat it.  But I will not love it.  I'm not a fan of cooked fruit in general, so this pie just doesn't do it for me.  I'd much rather have French silk.  Mmmm, chocolate.

5. Prime Time TV

Grey's Anatomy...Desperate Housewives...The Office...So You Think You Can Dance...American Idol...Mad Men...you guessed it - I don't watch these shows and countless others that air each evening between 8-10pm.  During that time I am usually finishing up editing photos, reading in bed and then going to sleep.  It's not that I don't enjoy TV...I just put it at the bottom of my list.  I'd much rather waste my time online anyway!

6. Sports

I am so flaky when it comes to sports and sports teams.  When I was a cheerleader in high school, I was behind our basketball team 100%...of course, it helped that they went on to become State Champs.  I've watched Colts games and cheered along with fans in rowdy bars.  But overall?  I just don't get excited about sports.  I'll never be a diehard fan, I'll never watch every single game, and I'll never put any time or effort into a fantasy team.

7.  Road Trips

Please, give me a plane.  I hate being in the car for more than a few hours to get somewhere.  It makes me tired and achy.  I don't care that it saves money, I don't care that you can stop and see interesting things along the way...I'd much rather get on a plane and reach my destination as soon as possible!

8. Harry Potter

Not once have I picked up one of these books.  Not once have I watched one of these movies.  I simply just don't have the desire.  Twilight, I finally got into.  The Hunger Games?  AWE-SOME!  But Harry Potter?  Nope.  Sorry.

9. Frosting

A lot of people think the best thing about a birthday cake is the frosting, but I find that many cakes have WAY too much of it and it's WAY too sugary.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I always choose the piece with the least amount of frosting possible.  No roses, balloons or edge pieces for me!

10.  Hatred of Snow

I know there will be some who agree with me on this one.  I don't get people who live in climates where it snows and each year, they gripe and complain as soon as the first flakes begin to fall.  Maybe my stance would be different if my job wasn't affected by the snow.  Too much snow means a delay or closing, two things I love to hear!  Plus, I just love the quiet stillness at the beginning of a snowstorm...the big, fat flakes slowly swirling to the ground...how everything seems to become more beautiful from a blanket of white.  I have always loved the snow.  And hey, if it's going to be cold in the winter, it might as well snow!

What would you put on your list of "most people like these things, but I don't"?  I may just agree with you! 

Friendships

As yet another of my spontaneous "Let's Do Dinner!" emails was shot down with complaints of too much work to do or needing to run errands or what-have-yous...Kelle Hampton yet again wrote exactly how I feel, in a much more coherent and beautiful way.

Friendships are easy to maintain when you are still in school because you see each other every day.  In college, if I needed company or someone to vent to or a shopping trip buddy, all I had to do was walk down the hall and I'd inevitably find one, if not more, willing participants.  Now that we are all married or have moved away or have kids, it is simply MUCH harder to maintain the closeness that was felt when a friend was just a few bedroom doors away.  It makes me sad because it does not have to be this way...yet it is.  And why?  Why do we drop everything for our spouses, kids, families...but not our friends?  How can we expect to nurture a friendship when it's put toward the bottom of the to-do list?

I'm sure I haven't been there enough for some of my friends.  I, too, am guilty of putting other things first on my list.  And maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones speaking, but it really does get to me when friend dates and girls-only nights are so few and far between.  It makes it even worse that Jeremy does not seem to have this problem with his friends.  They exchange a few texts and meet up for racquetball four times in one month.  They have Monday night Dexter-watching dates.  They plan outings just a few days in advance and it never seems to fall through.  Why is it not like this between my friends?!  How is it possible for men to maintain friendships better than women?!

Tonight is not the first time I have felt this way.  It's been eating at me slowly but steadily over the course of the past year or so.  Our entire group of friends gets together now and then, but what I crave is girlfriend time.  Leisurely, laughter-filled dinners, spontaneous coffee dates, shopping trips, weekend get-aways.  We've had them before, so why can't we bring them back?  Make plans for these things more often?  I've tried, I really have.  But being the "planner" 90% of the time gets old - especially when the plans fall through or never get off the ground to begin with.  I just don't know how to change this.  Seeing my friends only about once a month is just NOT enough for me.


If you and your core group of girlfriends maintain a steady flow of get-togethers, please share!  HOW do you do it?  Or, if you feel that you're in the same boat as I am, share that too...and maybe next time, you and I will grab a coffee together instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.  :)


/end of pregnancy-hormone fueled blog post

Cha-Cha-Changes

Change is inevitable.  Sometimes it comes our way without warning, without our consent - and we struggle against it as if attempting to swim upstream.  Other times, we embrace change with open arms, hoping it will bring renewed hope and energy to our lives.

Becoming pregnant with a brother or sister for Ava has been both exciting and stressful.  Two little ones in the house will be a big change for us, but I know we'll accept the newness of the situation and face any challenges head on...or, maybe not.  There will be days of tears, of frustration, of "I can't do this."  But eventually, we will learn to adapt as a family of four, just as we adapted to becoming a family of three.

If you've been with my blog since the beginning, you know that I started it at the same time I got my first "big girl" camera.  Photography is a great way to capture the changes in your life - and when you pull up an old photograph you took almost a year ago to play with some editing, you realize just how much not only YOU have grown, but also your little muse. 

Just ONE year ago! 

And now look at her.

Changes - we can't stop them.

It has been a stressful few weeks, to say the least.  I've posted almost all of my problems with Dr. B's office: nurses who don't know about cholestasis and who don't order the correct lab work, not getting to see Dr. B on a regular basis, fighting for someone to listen to me, not getting my questions answered, long wait times in exam rooms...   This is supposed to be a happy time in my life, not one filled with constant struggle against my OB's office.  So, I switched.  I decided the best thing to do was go back to Dr. C.  I know he's made a few comments here and there that I didn't like, but I think calling him out on them and moving on is the best route to take.  At this point, I'd much rather drive the 40 minutes to his office and deal with a staff who is friendly, punctual, and conscientious than continue to fight with Dr. B's staff - specifically the nurses - and continue to feel upset.  It's just not healthy for myself or this little life inside of me. 

Weight lifted.  I am glad I made this change!

However, amidst change is always sameness.  Some things stay the way they are, for just a little bit longer, and it helps life feel balanced.  Ava is still two years old.  She changes every day, yet these changes are subtle and build upon each other in a way that is almost unnoticeable. 

Consistency: her love for water.

Consistency: her desire to line things up.

Consistency: her ability to make me smile and laugh on a daily basis. 

I guess she prayed for chips and a drink?

I am definitely looking to the future now and deciding what other changes need to be made, both in my career and in my family.  Even though some of these changes bring the unknown, I feel that eventually, we all have to take a chance and make a leap of faith.  And a year from now, when I come back to this post, I hope I am able to say that the changes I made were worth it!

The Little Things

Sometimes, it's really hard to take the saying "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" to heart.  Inevitably, lots of small things put together equal one big thing and your day is officially ruined.  "That's the last straw," you hear yourself yelling when you run out of milk or make a wrong turn or burn your finger on the stove.  And of course, this is after a day filled with insignificant small things - a stale pot of coffee at work, losing your favorite sweater, it's raining, you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning...

I find myself in this boat a lot.  Why is it so much easier to focus on all the negative little things in life than all the positive little things?  Take yesterday, for example.  My Negative Nelly list included:

-a cloudy, rainy, cool day
-nothing in the house for lunch
-whines and tantrums from a certain two-year-old
-Said two-year-old dropping an entire snack bag of Goldfish in Target, which meant I was on my hands and knees picking up crackers in the middle of a busy aisle...
- maternity jeans that I had to keep pulling up (Seriously, could they not have figured out by now how to make maternity jeans that don't slip down?)
-a sad, depressed feeling that wouldn't go away
-the daunting task of meal planning and grocery list making was hanging over my head
-a husband who was gone for six hours playing golf, having a grand old time while I was marinating in my "bad" day

The thing is, it wasn't that bad of a day.  But my brain kept track of those little things, adding them up and adding them up until I was almost at a breaking point.  Sometimes it's really hard to get off that negative path, but thanks to my camera and the ability it gives me to reminisce on the day through the lens, I can now see the tiny little good things that I should've been adding up instead.

Despite the dreary, drizzly day, Ava and I spent time outside, where she reveled in the feeling of the cool drizzle hitting her skin:

We had a tea party:

She posed for me without any prompting:

We played with bubbles:

It doesn't have to be a camera though, and while I love photography, I don't always want to get my camera out.  I think I'm going to start a Thankful Notebook.  A cute little book - yes, it needs to be cute, not a plain, boring one - to write down a few things each day for which I am thankful.  Maybe it will help me focus on more of those positive little things instead of the negative ones.

Today, I am thankful for:

-a new necklace that I scored for $5 in the clearance section at Target
-a husband who gets Ava up and takes her to daycare every day
-a rainy day that gave me the perfect excuse to make a new cheesy potato soup recipe
-a daughter whose giggles fill the house when she plays with her daddy
-the time to curl up in bed and continue reading The Help

And every day, I am really thankful for the time I take to capture all the little moments in Ava's life.

More examples of how she lines things up - a little something that always makes me smile!

Yes, there will be bad days when truly, nothing seems to go right.  There will be that constant feeling of things spinning out of control and it will take every ounce of willpower to not yell or scream or cry or simply fall down and give up...

However, I am hoping that even on those days, I can write in my Thankful Notebook and continue to try, with all of my might, to see the bright side!

And the Cholestasis Verdict Is...

Nothing.  Yet. 

I've been to my doctor's office three times in the past four days and while I don't feel that I'm at square one anymore, I'm barely at square two. 

I finally saw my regular OB today, Dr. B, who knows about cholestasis, who knows what tests should be run, who knows the treatments...but who refused to give me medication until my lab results come back next week.  I mean, I do understand.  My initial liver profile came back normal, so we're waiting on the bile acid test.  The medication is one that requires continuous upping of the dosage for it to keep working and if I started it now, I'd be taking 10 or more pills a day by 35 weeks.  It would be a bit much. 

Dr. B did refer me to a high risk doctor on the north side of town - a doctor who is featured on one of the best cholestasis websites, Itchy Moms.  He agreed about not taking any medication until my bile acid test comes back.  If the test is positive, medication will be prescribed.  If it's negative...then it's back to itching and re-testing until the results change.  I will have an ultrasound with this high risk doctor in a little over a week and I'm assuming we'll develop a treatment plan from there - again, depending on that last test result. 

In the midst of all of this, I've missed a lot of work and it's been stressful dealing with lesson plans for subs, keeping the administrators up to date on my situation, etc.  I wish I could just fast forward to maternity leave and stop dealing with all of this!  I am sure once my student teacher takes over in a few weeks, I will feel much better.

For now, it's still a waiting and guessing game...I am trying not to worry too much, but based on my previous experience during my pregnancy with Ava, I know how quickly this condition can worsen and I'm afraid of going through weeks of testing and the agony of itching before getting relief.  Let's all pray this isn't the case.