On the Bright Side

Today is a day to remind myself to "look on the bright side" and keep myself in check with this blog.

This morning's pregnancy test?  Negative.  The past three months of pregnancy tests?  Yeah...

It's hard not to feel frustrated.  I know there are millions of couples out there who struggle with infertility and my heart goes out to them, for their suffering, the endless negative tests, the doctor visits, the medications...I can't imagine being in that position, where you want a baby more than anything and for whatever reason, the stars are not aligning.  We've been trying for a mere four months and still, I feel upset each month seeing that single line.  It's hard on me this time because of our past experience. 

First try?  Pregnant...then miscarriage. 
Second try?  Negative. 
Third try?  Ava.  

I feel that I am in "reality check" mode...because really, trying for 6-8 months is actually average.  But I had naively believed that since it was so easy the first time, surely it would be easy this time too.  I guess I'm learning that things don't always go the way you think they will - but that good things DO come to those who wait.

There's the "bright side" talking.

I placate myself each month.  I think, "Well, another month of drinking!  Of not feeling nauseous!  Of not being moody!"  But I don't really fool myself. 

However, after much soul-searching and advice from friends, I know that I have to be patient and that when the time is right, we will be blessed with another baby.  I need to stop stressing about the "timing" because it's not really in my control.  Sure, it would be great to avoid going back to school during a first trimester, but I did it once before.  It would be awesome to have a baby due in the doldrums of winter or early spring so that I can have a long maternity leave, home with a new baby for 6 months or more...but who knows where my life will be when that time comes?  Who knows if I'll be teaching full time in another few years, or doing photography full time?  I hate not having much control, but I think if I just...let go...it would help.  But letting go is so hard!  My mind somehow speeds itself up on overdrive and the thoughts scribble themselves all over my brain. 

For now, it's another month to trick myself into looking at the bright side and focusing on other things.  This summer is already jam-packed with weddings to attend, photography sessions, bachelorette trips to Florida, friends coming to town to visit and birthday parties.  My life is full, it really is.  And hey, they say that thinking positive yields good things.  Worth a shot, eh?* 

*(but if you have any baby dust, send it my way, okay?)